I'm getting married but I don't want to repeat past mistakes... so I asked all my exes where I went

Publish date: 2024-04-26

WHEN I walk down the aisle next year, I have every hope it will be until death do us part.

But with 42 per cent of couples destined to divorce, according to the latest government statistics, committing to one person for the rest of my life feels like wishful thinking.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve asked myself: What is the secret to a long and happy ever after?

And, more importantly: Will I ever get it right?

Up until when I met my fiancé Jonathan, 42, a musician, from Huddersfield, last year, my love life was littered with failed romances.

And there was a common theme — I never fully understood why each relationship had gone wrong.

ATTENTION SEEKING GETS YOU NOWHERE

FIRST, I make contact with Ben, the boy I lost my virginity to when I was 16. Despite a few fine lines at the edges of his eyes, he’s still as good-looking as I remember.

I’ve scribbled down on my notepad, “Was it me that led to the break-up?” — and it quickly becomes clear that it was.

“You upset me, you lashed out, and I always regret how things ended,” Ben says. “It really did hurt at the time.”

But I never knew that he was hurt. I just wanted his attention and must have gone about getting it in silly ways.

During our eight months together, I never felt good enough or believed he loved me, so I cooked up a series of childish stunts to keep him interested.

When he couldn’t make a family holiday, I invited a mutual male friend in his place.

It was the singer from the band Ben drummed in, no less. This teenage bid to provoke him worked and, after I returned home, he broke up with me publicly at a house party.

“I was so into you, but by the end I was just enduring it,” he says. “You pushed me out of love with you. I didn’t date for a year after we split up, as I didn’t want to risk feeling like that again.”

It now shocks me to learn just how much I must have hurt him. I like to think I’ve matured, as I realise that my spoiled teenage self wouldn’t have lasted five minutes in a marriage.

Happily, Ben ended up marrying a girl who he had been friends with for years and they now have two lovely children.

THE GRASS ISN’T GREENER

I MET my next long-term boyfriend, Sam, at university. But I foolishly dumped him after two years.

I wanted to “experience more”, but didn’t realise just how good I already had it.

Sam has been in a long-term relationship for ages and he and his partner may even be married by now.

My social media stalking isn’t very successful because I think he’s restricted what I can see. After I contact him, he writes: “Is it for a feature? I could have guessed.”

My reply is left unread and I don’t blame him. I’ve spent the last ten years feeling guilty about the way things ended.

The whole “grass is greener” syndrome is a common reason that relationships end prematurely, leaving potential for long-term regret. Could this be why the average UK marriage only lasts a little over 11 years?

Looking back, I allowed this toxic mindset to ruin an otherwise healthy and loving relationship.

Now, I realise I should never shift focus from what I have to what I might be missing.

YOU NEED A THICK SKIN

AFTER Sam and I split up, the next decade of dating resulted in an unplanned pregnancy, in 2014.

My son’s dad chose not to be involved, so I got on with life as a single mum. One of my first flings when my son was still a toddler was with a struggling musician.

We dated for a couple of months before things fizzled out.

That struggling musician went on to be an X Factor finalist. He soon appeared on a few other big reality shows and he briefly became a low-key national treasure.

But apparently I’ve faded from his memory.

“Er, it was, like, six years ago, I don’t even remember tbh,” he replies with thinly veiled contempt.

It stings to read it.

Dr John Gottmann, author of Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail, believes contempt is one of the negative emotions most likely to lead to divorce.

In fact, it’s the number one predictor of divorce within the first six years of a marriage.

Now I can see why.

DON’T POOL YOUR MONEY

I THINK I’m getting somewhere with a guy, David, I dated for a year in 2017.

For a start, it sounds like I’d made a decent first impression. He tells me: “You were fit, cool, funny, very, very confident and eccentric, which I liked.”

The conversation then moves back and forth until he says he’d “rather not revisit things”.

He adds: “It was such a painful time for me. I really cared about you and I’m still sad about how things ended.”

I’d ended things over a row about money, after David asked me to give him spending money for a holiday together.

I felt that he wasn’t pulling his weight financially, which very quickly caused resentment.

After that, it feels wrong to prod for any more information.

It’s no surprise to learn that money-related conflicts were recently cited as the number one reason why couples divorce.

Experts recommend one way to avoid this is by having three bank accounts — one each and one for shared expenses.

DON’T CHANGE FOR ANYONE

WHEN my son was slightly older, I fell into the arms of a local barman called Chris.

His work kept moving him around the country, and although we tried to keep seeing each other long-distance, things eventually fizzled out.

We still speak on the phone and I’d always believed if he’d stuck in one place long enough, we’d have stayed together.

Five years on, we agree to meet in the bar where we first met. I told him my theory about why we broke up. He casts his eyes down in guilt.

“I’m sorry Amy, for me it was never going to go anywhere, it was just fun,” he says. “Honestly, I could never accept that you were a mother.”

This is certainly news to me, as Chris never even hinted he had a problem with me being a parent.

I feel like a fool, and want to get away from him, the bar and the whole experience.

LEARNING FROM MY MISTAKES

EXPERIMENT over, I tell my fiancé Jonathan what Chris said and ask whether he’s ever had similar concerns.

Much to my relief he tells me that while he’d never wanted kids before we met — so much so that he had a vasectomy — he now loves my Star Wars-mad seven-year-old.

Reflecting on my past threw up some home truths and some of the new information was hard to swallow — especially hearing how I’d hurt others.

But I also realised that while I’ve given my time to too many fools in the past, my experiences have helped give me a much stronger chance of making my marriage work.

ZestD

I'm getting married but I don't want to repeat past mistakes... so I asked all my exes where I went

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